being able

Don't you hate it when the kids change your settings and preferences?

Well, actually, Janneke has unintentionally done that from time to time. She loves to hit the keyboard to make the screen change with her site, so we have to supervise her. She loves the cause and effect experience; no doubt, if we don't watch her closely, she'll be checking out eBay for the latest toys.

Rachel had her kidney scan on Tuesday at Mac. I hadn't had enough sleep by Tuesday morning, so a good friend, Mel, came along to share the driving. Kind of nice to have her experience as a nurse to lean on as well.

Another good friend gave Rachel a portable DVD player, so Rachel was in good spirits for the trip. I do sense she knows when we are going to school and when we are going to the hospital. She has a hard time sleeping when we go to Mac and often spits herself soaked on the trip. With her favourite songs playing, she smiled most of the way.

The scan was done in the basement of the hospital, in the same spot as her MRI from last June. That now long-ago experience left us all a little shaken; Rachel was in the PCCU after the intubation provoked spasms, and infection, and a lot of fear.

This time around, what I found both heartbreaking and exciting was Rachel's reaction when we entered the room to prepare for the test. The staff needed to access her portacath to start the IV. When we moved to remove her shirt and help her lay still, she was red in the face, very tense in tone, and her eyes displayed obvious fear. She would not lay still. She remembered.

This from the kid who, last year at this time, did not flinch after numerous needle pokes and tests. There were never signs of awareness and reaction, let alone memory, from Rachel previously.

Now things have changed.

And in case you are wondering, the molecule tornado above and the spinning top below are not an indication of abnormal functions within: It's Baby Mozart playing on the TV.

This screen shows the radioactive stuff in her kidneys and bladder. It's about as clear to me as all the ultrasounds. Sure... whatever they say.

But, we did laugh at the fact that they needed to take Rachel's wet diaper after the test since it was considered hazardous/radioactive waste. We won't know any test results for awhile. We're just thankful to be finished with tests for now.

Couple of thoughts from the week: I met with some special needs moms yesterday - okay, moms of children with special needs. (That's an inside joke.) We talked about how we have changed since becoming moms to our kids. One of things I shared was the fact that though my child is the one considered disabled, I too, feel dis-abled.

No longer am I able to do the things I thought or wanted to do. There is a disabling of my plans, my activities, and my identity.

But, there's also an en-abling that comes from letting go. As moms, we all agreed that there was so much gained from the experience of parenting a unique child. Sure, it is difficult, and there are some very hard days. Yet, we can't ignore what we have since been enabled to do and feel.

Maybe it's treasuring the little milestones - and how long those milestones took to be reached. We've met many wonderful people, professionals and parents, who have taught us bits and pieces about ourselves and our kids. And it's learning not to sweat the small stuff.

I guess the enabling comes when we learn to roll (or swing -see below) with the changes that come. Not having control of our kids' development, our lives and our future seems frustrating, maddening, disabling....

or does it enable us to trust that much more, giving us the freedom to savour the days we've been given?

To Him who is ABLE to keep us from falling, who is ABLE to do more than we could imagine, according to His power that is at work within us.